Forgiveness and Mending a Broken Relationship
This is my first attempt at writing again since 3 months ago. Why has it been so long? I could blame writers block, or even sheer laziness. Perhaps it was the old school excuse of being busy? Nope? I sense that my attempts of getting out of this predicament aren’t working. Okay, how about lets play the game of truth: I haven’t written anything new because I wrote something heartfelt 3 months ago and I just haven’t published it yet. I’ve been constantly debating in my mind whether or not it’s something I want to put on the internet and share with everyone from everywhere in this world. It’s amazing how much we’re willing to put out there on social media, like our bodies, our locations, our inner thoughts (which mostly consists of you making parinig to your ex) but when it comes to things that matter, like how you genuinely feel – we keep our mouths shut and our fingers away from sending that tweet or status.
So what is this hot topic of mine that has kept me silent for the past 3 months? What did I write about? For the first time I wrote about being a child of divorce. I mean it’s not a secret that my parents aren’t together anymore and honestly what’s the big deal, right? It happens to a lot of people and they end up living their lives normally. So what makes me – and my situation so special? To tell you the truth, in your eyes, probably nothing about it is special. But for me it’s probably the most significant change that has happened to me in the past 7 years.
7 years ago my family was torn apart.
5 years ago I stopped talking to my dad.
3 months ago I made a hateful entry to post.
1 week ago I decided not to share it.
1 day ago I decided to make a change.
What exactly happened? To skim through everything – my parents broke up, my dad started a new life with his new family, I was an angry teenager, we all didn’t get along, again – I was an angry teenager. We all said some pretty nasty things to each other and I decided to cut him out of my life because I thought that was the best thing I could do for myself in that moment. I was hurting and I was in a lot of pain. During that time, I was going through a break up and my mom moved back to the US, I started making the wrong friends and making bad choices in my life – so my head was never straight. I’ve carried a lot of anger within me and it’s taken me a long time to forgive, forget and let go. You see, I can’t change the past. I can’t make my dad and my mom say the things that I want to hear and I definitely can’t get them back together. But maybe it’s for the best. Sometimes things don’t work out and you can’t control people. The only person you can control is yourself. So here I am, controlling myself by choosing the happiness over all the misery.
The good thing about this situation of mine is that I have 2 beautiful younger siblings that I can take care o,f and after being the bunso for 17 years, it’s finally my turn to be an ate. I want them to learn from me, grow up with me and not fear me or not know who I am. I have come to realize that I can’t punish my parents forever for something that just wasn’t working anymore. Could they have stayed together? Yes. Would they be happy? I don’t think so. Not having my dad in my life has obviously pained me, but I just did what I thought was right. But what hurts more is that I know we can be a family again even if it isn’t on my terms – no family is perfect and we all have our ups and downs it’s just a matter of pushing through all the shit to get through to see the beauty in things. So yesterday I decided to finally answer back to my dads texts and I’ve decided to let him back into my life again. I’m not expecting much, because a part of me is still scared that I’m just going to get hurt again. But then again I’m not an angry teenager anymore. Time is on my side this time around and I’m just going to try and make this work – and if it doesn’t – at least I tried.