Maybe it’s the weather?
Currently there are so many things going on in my head but I can’t seem to form them into pretty little sentences. Maybe because the thoughts itself aren’t so pretty. Now, my head hurts again. Maybe it’ll help if I write down all my current feelings? Sad, confused, guilty, tired, still majorly confused, lonely, alone (are those 2 different things?), lost and insecure. Ang bigat at ang nega ng umaga ko.
What irritates me the most right now though is that I really don’t understand where this is all coming from. Well, maybe I do and I’m just in denial. :l (my actual face when I wrote that down). One good thing that will come out of this is that I’m being honest, which is definitely something that’s hard to come by these days. I know most people will come here expecting to read a heart warming post about discovering myself, acceptance and moving on, but how about those who simply aren’t capable of doing this?
So.. Yeah, to be completely honest: I AM STUCK. Most of you will think that I have it good, which is true, I actually do. I have so much to be grateful for and there are more important things happening in the world today so sometimes I think my feelings aren’t important.
Valid but unimportant.
I’ve tried so many things to get out of this slump. From putting on a fake smile, downing my problems with alcohol, talking about it candidly with family and friends, working out, meditating and for the first time in forever, turning to God.
Yoga has definitely been good. Not great, but helpful. It at the least distracts me from life for a good solid hour. Talking about it makes it all seem so official, so then I start to freak out and my feelings are then heightened. Going to church and praying was difficult for me, I just couldn’t relate and felt guilty because it dawned on me that I only turn to God when I’m problematic but never when I have something to be thankful for.
So what exactly is my problem? I don’t know, I’ve been trying to figure it out but I can’t. Trying.. that’s what I’ve been doing. Self acceptance might help me, but what if I don’t know what it is exactly I have to accept about myself. Maybe its a phase. Maybe I’m bored? Maybe it’s an underlying problem?
All I know is, I feel stuck and the harder I try to get out of this hole the deeper it seems to be getting.
OA ko ba? Whatever, this is how I feel, maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today or maybe it’s just the weather?